The sun was out shining brilliantly across the Cornell campus today. Thermometers were pushed, at least briefly, above 70 degrees. I was, of course, dressed fabulously for the first real day of warmth on campus. The problem is that many, if not most, students immediately switch from cold weather clothing to way too hot weather clothing.
I was very thankful I did not have any objects with me that I could use to easily gouge out my eyes today. Time and time again my eyes were raped with visions of bright neons clashing. There were shorts that revealed far too much cellulite. I couldn’t seem to get away from mandels and crocs no matter where I walked. I’m going to predict what will become the three worst trends of Spring and Summer 2008.
Tights
Tights really are amazing. During the winter they allow a girl to wear things that they never could wear before during the cold weather. Dresses and skirts become viable options during even the coldest times and tights can easily be used to help transition into the summer. Notice I said they can be used to accent a dress or skirt. I never said they can be used as pants. That is why tights will definitely become a constant assault on my eyes. There is only maybe 1% of the entire world’s population that can wear tights as pants. Unless you KNOW you have an amazing rear-end and pair of legs, you CANNOT wear leggings as pants. Do you not notice how the leggings form around every curve on your body? Well I definitely notice! Your shaking ass cheeks and flabby thighs constantly accost my vision. Thank God I don’t anything really heavy or I might vomit.
Mandels
You know exactly what kind of footwear I’m talking about. This is the sandal you would wear if you’re going out hiking and need to wear a sandal that won’t fall off. However, men and women alike feel that this is the exact type of footwear they should wear on a regular basis. These stick out like a horribly sore, pus oozing, gangrene infected thumb. The only thing that could be worse is wearing a croc. These might not be so terrible, but usually the people wearing these feel their clothing must be equally “comfortable.” This usually means terrible fitting shorts and wife beaters. Unless you are planning on the mainland flooding anytime soon, get some real footwear.
Tights…yes, again
Tights are going to be so horrible this season, I had to write about them again. I just can’t think of anything that ruins my day more than seeing a pair of tights hugging a behemoth ass as it jiggles[walks] along. This trend is even worse than the skinny jeans trend that has been going on for a couple years now. The same girls that think they can wear skinny jeans, now think they can wear leggings. At least with skinny jeans I didn’t have to see your fatass generate gravity waves so large I need to fear a tornado coming down. Please, have mercy on not just my eyes, but the eyes of the entire world and wear a longer top.
I have decided to start amassing a collection of the worst offenders. So, girls, if you plan on walking around wearing tights like they are pants, you might end up here with your ass hanging out. Literally.
